If Only My Brain Had A Map...

     I seem to be battling lately, on how I feel. You see, things have been, as I can see, falling into place. I have friends to talk to and hang out with. Work is going great, and there is even a love interest thrown into the mix. This should make life seem great...right? Maybe it's the fact that I am use to being alone. I have, for so long now, learned to live and adapt to situations by myself. Never needing to lean on anyone, and just battling life by my lonesome. Which could be the reason that I feel off.
    Let me explain. There is a guy that I like. And oh my goodness, is he something else. He is really incredible. We are just friends, we've gone on a couple dates nothing too serious, and right now that is all it is going to be.  But it so natural to be with him. And he makes me happy and laugh harder than I have with anyone. I have liked only one person so far in my life that can even be compared to him. And this guy, over passed that one other person that came close, by the first date. I could write pages and pages about how magnificent this guy is. But I wont.
     For some crazy reason, he seems to like me. I don't understand why he does, and it makes no sense in my head. He is one of those amazing and nice guys that every girl falls for, and he deserves the best. But...I am the girl who even though, I love and care about everyone, has mastered to blend in with the shadows. I get my stuff done without leaving any tracks. I am not some unique eye catching woman. But I seem to have part of his attention.
I should be ecstatic right?
I should be head over heels, and one of those girls who are helplessly in love.
But I'm not...or at least not yet.
     Don't get me wrong, he makes my head spin, my stomach fill with butterflies, but the situation is so complex. That when he asks me how I feel, I don't want to say, because I don't want to think about it. There is still a chance that he will find someone better, someone more spectacular that I could ever be. And I know if I think about it, if I get to that level where I open myself up to these feelings I have pact behind this brick wall, I'm going to fall so hard and so deep, that if he does walk away...it's going to really hurt.
    So I ask myself, what should do? Should I tell him and risk this tight rope I'm walking? Or not say anything and hope that he picks me eventually?
    I honestly don't know, and I don't know if any one of you are in this same type of situation. The only advice I can give, is remember that if it doesn't work out, life won't end. That for now, enjoy the moment, smile, and hope that maybe one day you actually get to break down that wall and embrace all those feelings you were scared to feel.
    I want nothing more than for him to be happy. And if that is not with me, I'll get through it. But a girl can wish right?

I hope the best for everyone that is out there!
I will write soon.

We Lie...

        The reason that the whole word is so complicated can be narrowed down to a simple thing. We lie. We lie about everything. How we feel, what we think, and what is really going on.  One of the soul reasons why so many marriages end in divorce is because we lie to each other. While one person is laying in bed at night, focusing on all these negative thoughts and issues, the other is either at a loss, completely confused, on why their spouse is acting so weird, or has no idea there is any issue at all. Why is that? Because one person said "I'm fine" or "Don't worry about it" and held in the very problems that became the core reason why they left.
        The truth is, if we would just be honest with people, a lot of issues would be resolved or able to be worked out. But we don't, because deep down we have been conditioned to believe that we have to fend for ourselves, and the pain and hurt we feel is shown as a weakness to everyone around us. That if we try to speak the words running through our heads, we will be seen as broken, or that we are whining when so many others have it worse off then ourselves. People don't seem to understand that everyone, no matter how small, has difficulties in their life that effect them is ways, that someone who has not lived in their shoes, can never fully understand. And when they don't listen, or don't try to understand, they make accusations and misjudge. So we lie. We pretend that we are fine. So that others will not tell us to "suck it up" or "Get over it" and we just hope that we will make it out alive.

I Want To Be Just Friends...

"I think it is best if we were just friends."

     That one sentence, spoken out of the mouth of someone you truly care about, is one that can ice every vein in your body, make your stomach drop, and crush every ounce of light you had just seconds prior. This, if you are a girl like myself, leads to nights crying yourself to sleep, being emotionally unstable, and then proceeding to hate yourself because you can't seem to put yourself back together and you feel like a baby.
     Every single question seems to cross your mind repeatedly of "What happened", "What did I do", "Is there someone else", or even "Am I not good enough". We hate ourselves, then the other person of interest, then hate the situation, then crumble to pieces. When in reality, all of those questions we consistently think about for days, weeks, even moths, actually are worse then it ends up being. The hardest part of  giving your heart to another person, is that there is a good chance without them meaning to, they will crush it in their hands, and you have no way to stop it.
     Recently I have had this gut wrenching line given to me, by a guy I never meant to fall hard for. The truth is that I knew, before we started started dating, things would never work right at that moment. We were two people, who, if everything were to fall into place, we had to be, at least for myself, at a different place in our lives. But I never took into an account that he, personality wise, was who he was. I never thought, or ever would of guessed, that just hanging out with him, would be so different. I didn't know, he would be... well him. I never meant to fall like I had, I never meant to feel what I felt, and I never meant to care as much as I cared. He was leaving, I was staying, and I am the only one to blame for letting myself create this emotional wreck.
      Although, since I have been told I think differently than most girls, and I just really care about people, tried to actually be his friend. See I am the type of person, who if someone tells me they just want to be friends, after I explode into an female break down, I will suck it up and actually try to be there for them as a friend. I still would listen, I would still care, and I would keep my emotions to myself and be the best friend I could be. The problem that lies here, is if the guy doesn't want anything to do with you, or really does actually like you and they are leaving, them saying lets just be friends means "I need my space". Whether or not its space because they can't stand you, or space to be able to do the things they need to do, while disconnecting themselves from something that will hold them back, means being there as a friend isn't what they actually want or need.
     I have no actual idea, if any of those two scenarios actually pertain to my situation, but it took a close friend, after I over reacted to something, to show me that if I really cared about the guy I need to give him that space. This meant, not texting him, not facebook messaging him, and most yet, no snap chatting him. Do I think there could be a potential next chapter in the future, I don't know and I just don't want to think about it right now honestly.
     The cold truth of it all is, that the line "I just want to be friends" really utterly sucks. It's that simple. I don't have any advice that can ever magically fix the situation or take away your pain. The best I can tell you is that every heart break, every bump you have to go through, gives you experience. That experience, makes it so that the next time this happens you, you are better equipped to handle it. If things are meant to be you'll find a way, but sometimes you just have to do what is right even if it may suck.

Don't Give Up Just Yet...

"Good things come to those who believe. Better things come to those who are patient and the best things come to those who don't give up."
`Unknown

     The thing I like about this quote, is that this can fit with so many different things we all go through everyday. For me, at least for now, is that there are things in this life that we have no idea of the outcome. There are just certain things we can't control, feelings we can't read, and futures we can't see. 
     The relationships that we all wish and dream for are not normally met or given to us freely. It is made up of a foundation of nerves, butterflies, and putting your heart on the line for something or someone that you know and pray is worth it. Worth the possible fail, the pain, the heartache that very well could meet you at the other end of that door. But sometimes when we know, deep down, this is different. That risk, the waiting, and the not giving up when at first it doesn't just fall in your lap, could indeed end up being, the greatest thing that happens to you in your life.
      If you have something, anything at all, any person who has made you forget where you were standing, or not notice any of the other people around you, someone who just fit, who made sense, I beg you don't give up quite yet if there are barriers in you way. Don't let go just because it's hard right now. Be patient, fake a smile if you have to, but don't loose the one person who could be the one  who can change your life in a way that no one else can. Yes...there is a chance they will still walk away, But personally, I could deal with that much better than looking back on my past and knowing I was the one who let go and walked away and lost something I've wanted more than anything before, because what if, what if it worked, what if they came back. I would much rather knowing I did everything I could, than to know that I might never know if I could of been that happy.
     Believe, be patient, and don't give up...at least not yet.

Lost Battle Ground...

     I've been at a loss of words lately. I am not sure how to act and how to feel about so many things. I am not a little kid anymore, yet I know I am far from being an adult. Recently I have found myself stuck in this middle ground, or no mans land. And quite honestly, I have no freaking Idea what to do.
     Life is a funny concept, right when you get your act together, that is when you noticed everything has changed beneath your nose and you had no clue. So you then proceed to quickly try to catch up with the world and the next thing you know you're even more lost.
     There is no doubt in my mind that eventually I will find myself, or at least enough to get through contently, but until then the only advice I can give you, is keep your head up, wish for the best and battle through.
      Be strong, for the world is a constant battle ground.

I Am Mormon And I Believe In Gay Rights...

     In complete and total honesty I do not want to drag religion into this blog, though I understand my title may have already done that already. My point is to say that people need to understand that society tends to stereotype certain people and Mormons tend to be one of them. Some say that we "Mormons" are completely and utterly against gays. You are wrong, and I am here to say uh hey...I'm not.
     First of all, I hate how people call them "Gays" they are people for crying out loud. We don't walk around the street talking in conversation saying, "Why oh yes we straights blah blah blah blah blah..." It would be absurd and plain right weird to do so. They are bleeding, breathing, living human beings who were born just like you or me. There is nothing wrong with them, they are just different than what society deems as normal. But how is that a bad thing. I'm not normal, ha, I am one of the weirdest individuals out of any of my friends that I know of, I think differently, I act differently, and It is perfectly okay.
     Now this is how I will tie religion into this, and I am sorry if this upsets any readers. God teaches us to love one another, God teaches us to care for one another, and most of all God teaches us not to judge one another. If it is not your life, then why should you care.
      Everyone has the right to live, act, and be the way that they choose. We were given free agency. Anyone and everyone has the right to either believe in god or not to believe in god. We all have the right to have sex now or wait till we are married (Sorry for my bluntness). People drink and people do drugs, do I wish that they didn't, of course I do especially if it's someone I deeply care about, but am I going to tell them they are all sinners and going to Hell, of course not that was there choice to do those things not mine. It is not my right or anyone elses right to judge how people decide to live their lives, because it is not my life, it is theirs. Now if their actions were to put anyone in harms way, that's a different story, but other than that, you nor I have any type of right to tell anyone how to chose to live their life.
     I was taught, and I believe, that god loves his children. He loves every single one of us for our good parts and our bad. I would never believe, for a second, he would ever turn his back on a child of god just because the place they found love in, is different then what it was in the past (If it is different). But my point is for any religious or non religious people out there who are focused on the scriptures "A marriage should be between a man and a woman" understand that there are more scriptures that states to not judge and love thy neighbor. You can't use one scripture as a basis of an argument while ignoring all the others.
     In short  religious or non religious "gays" are people who are just living their life. Whether you like it or not they are still people and have rights. Give it a rest and live your own life...in a good way of course.

Growing Up Sucks...

     I have finally come to a realization on the statement that parents and adults seemed to find a joy in saying, because they said it ALL THE TIME, "Enjoy being a kid while you can", why, Cause growing up sucks. I apologize for my word choice, but it's true. Paying for stuff, organizing time, working,  doing things you have to do but don't have time for, it's like my whole social life just went down the toilet and all I have is a picture that feels like it was ages ago.
     The first thing that caught my attention was taxes. Now I am only a part time employee in the food business and still going to high school, but taxes took $100 dollars out of a $400 dollar check...I hate taxes...now I know that I am not an full fledged adult and I still haven't seen the real gist of what and how taxes will actually effect me in the future, but I don't necessarily want to find out. For a senior in high school, working my butt off and still trying to deal with school, $100 is a lot of money. Taxes are important for government and state funding, and I know that they need to happen, but they still are a pain in my...rear.
      Like I mentioned before, my social life has disappeared. I still have friends I mean I'm not friendless. Although, my grandpa still thinks that I actually pay people to pretend to be my friends at family get togethers,  and it's sad because I am not sure if he is joking.... But see I go to school, then I go to the gym, then to work and then home to do my homework and sleep. I don't have time to go see my friends, and when I do I would rather put on baggy PJ's and just wrap myself in a fuzzy blanket and watch netflix relaxing at home. If they want to come join me, the more the merrier, but it takes a lot of effort to upkeep with a lot of friends and deal with their drama. It sounds horrible but think about it, either go hang out with high school teenagers, who are obsessing about their love lives and petty drama, that if you just look at it in a big spectrum usually deals with miscommunication and a drama queen, or you can sit at home, cozzy and with food, watching psych... I think I made my point.
        Honestly, I miss dealing with my friends drama. I miss playing multiple schools sports and hanging out with my friends every other weekend. I miss huge movie parties where we spent the whole movie quoting lines or laughing so hard I was basically bawling. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere and that I really mattered. But instead I work all day and then come home exhausted just to repeat. But thats life right...
     I know life will get better once I learn how to juggle everything and balance out my main concerns first, But when you are at that middle stage where you aren't a normal teenager anymore, but you aren't really an adult yet, it's hard. It's hard paying for bills, and paying for insurance and gas. It's hard having to work to get anywhere decent in life.
     But there is one thing I know...I know that if I work hard now and deal with the minimum rewards I will get in the short run, what I will receive in the long run it will be worth it.

Right?