You are allowed to feel...

There is a subject that I really think I should write about. I don't know who all even reads this blog, if there be any. But I still believe that I should write about this anyway.

Before I get into what I want to say I need to first address social media vents:
There are people in this world that use facebook and other social media places as a way to complain about things to get attention. You know, the woe is me people. Not very many people like these people. And those people might honestly have no idea that they are being, frankly, narcissistic. That they are purposely using social websites to get people to give them validation and attention so that they will feel better about themselves. I use to be one of those people. I bring this up, because I want to first address that using social media as outlets to vent or bring/ create drama is not okay. It is not mature and you should deal with those issues face to face.

With that said, life is hard. I have already brought up the hypocrisy of this world, and that you can''t even feel without getting shamed. Life is hard, guys. Rarely, do people have easy lives. Love ones die, people get sick, freak accidents happen, hearts break, and trials are going to come no matter how good of a person we try to be. At some points life just sucks. It really, undisputedly sucks sometimes. I believe that eventually light and hope will shine through in the dark. That after the storm, there is a rainbow. I have faith that good things will eventually happen. However that may be, I think it is important to say, that you are allowed to cry. You are allowed to feel pain, to feel broken. You are allowed to be human. You are not perfect. You are not indestructable. You are allowed to feel all the emotions that come with what you are dealing with. Don't listen to everyone that tells you to just walk it off. You can walk it off tomorrow, but today, feel, cry, break, and you can pick up the peces and move forward tomorrow.

If we forget how to feel, we forget to how to be human.

The Issue With Soul Mates...

For anyone who have kept up with this blog over the years, might already have an idea on my stance of Soul Mates. Some of you might object to my opinions, but that is okay. I grew up with parents that I love very dearly. When I was about 10 years old, my parents split. When I was 13, they divorced. I was stuck in an on going pride, power, and anger battle. Often times, I was used as a pawn in these battles and even though my parents loved me, sometimes amidst the fights the anger and pride crushed every ounce of family love we had till we were standing in the burning rumble.

For years I never understood how such a loving home could turn so cold and so horrific. That a life I loved was something I dreaded waking up to everyday. How can two people who love each other, turn into mortal enemies? So what did I do? I started reading every marriage and family book put in front of me. I knew that I never wanted to make my future family go through the pain and the stress I had. Never would I willing put anyone through what I had.

Something that I cam to realize that a lot of relationships are tainted with this idea that there is one soul mate out there for us. In a past post, I talked about how there are multiple one in a millions. Since there are over 7 billion people on this planet this means there are thousands of one and a millions. With that said, there isn't just one person out there for you. Actually, with the effort, there are many different people that you could be happy with. You both just have to put in the effort and the work.

So here is the issue. If you are one of those who believe that there is one soul mate out there for you, let me twll you how this can actually ruin your relationships. Marriages and relationships are build on knowing, trusting, relying, loyalty and love, right? These take time, work, and effort to accomplish. Every day you have to give your significant other 100% and sometimes you have to give an extra 20% when they can only give 80% that day. It is on going.

Sometimes there becomes fights and issues that come up within a relationship. Things get stressful and hard and at night you are wondering, why is it this hard? If you got married thinking this person was your soul mate, you literally embedded a seed that told you that he/she is perfect. But as you are lying there at night, after hours of yelling and going to bed with such chaotic tension, you suddenly think, What if he/she isn't my soul mate? By doing this you realize that your actual soul mate might actual be still out there, and you haven't met them.

Do you see the issue? In a majority of marriages if both sincerely work on the marriage after 5 years you will find a happy couple. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Things take time and great things take patience. If we fixate with this idea that there is only one person, even though it is a nice idea, we will end up hurting ourselves and everyone else involved. There isn't a soul mate out there for us, we create a soul mate with a person that we chose and a person that we work to love.

Love is out there, don't wait for it to fall into your lap. Go find it.

A Sea Of Our Own Hypocrisy...

I have often found it strange how the world's lines on people are often double crossed or overlapping. That in some cases, to keep one person or groups' rights, you must take away another's. That you could be an angel sent from heaven, but to some people, that angel is nothing but the apparition of the devil. The line between right and wrong, of presentable and garbage, of what should offend people and what merely strikes at one's pride, is so mixed together that it is almost like everyone sees a different line and a different view.

What I have found growing up is, weakness, trials and tribulation, and even successes are often suppose to be kept to yourself.  If one vented to someone about their messed up family life, they were called a whiner. If one talked about the things they had to go through, the pain, issues, trials they had to over come, they were looked at as a liar or seeking attention. If someone uses their past as a reason or clarification on why they act the way they do, they looked at as weak. Some people may see the individual and see their strength and their light but yet there is such an over powering about of voices that saw that same strength as instead  higher oneself. . When did surviving, getting perspective or growing up become something different than being strong or wise, but instead, it made you defective or inferior.

If you stand for what you believe in, whether that be in a god or traditional marriage, people may tell you that you are prejudice and hateful. If you are atheist or just don't believe in a higher being and don't care about traditional values, or see their importance, you can be judged and looked at as a sadist. If you have a happy childhood with loving parents and happy memories, you were sheltered. If you had a messed up childhood and fell into some really rocky situations made by bad choices, you are a failure. If you had horrific challenges tossed at you from every direction, and you still got back up and kept moving forward, god forbid you say even a sentence of your past, they probably will tell you that you are begging for validation and attention.

No matter how good of a person you may be, no matter how pure your intentions truly are, there will still be people who see you as nothing more than a self absorbed no good piece of trash, and that pains my heart. There are so many people in this world who have such magnificent and wonderful personalities and hearts that are tossed away because of ill conceived judgements. Good men and women who are kicked down because they have compassion. Honest people lied to because a person sees manipulation and lies as a way to get ahead.

I know that there is good in the world. I know that there are good people out there trying to make a difference everyday and are often over looked. I also know that I am not perfect. People wonder why the world seems to be running into the fire that can drive us straight  to hell, but in reality it is because we are drowning in a sea of our own hypocrisy that we don't realize that most of us are the ones that are leading us to our destruction.

Hello Blogging World

Well Hello!

As Most of you know I have not been on here for a long time. I began this blog when I was in Junior high. I started to continue blogging in high school, but got very distracted with trying to graduate that I failed at my attempt. I had a few loyal followers and I apologize for my absence and my not being able to follow through with my posts. For me to promise to write every week, I realize, is a hallow promise, but I will try my best.

If you were to go back through my post, through out the years, you would be able to see a teenager go through heart break, depression, happiness, and a broken home. In my adolencent life I watched my family fall apart, lost a friend suddenly, was cheated on, used, stressed, over worked and an outsider in my own home. To say the least, I got a glimpse on just how hard life can knock you down. It has been a long journey to get to where I am now. As well, I know that this journey and the mountains I will have to climb are far from over.

I am now in my 20s trying to find my place in this world, live on my own, and hopefully in the next few years start my own family. The point of this blog is not to get attention or to give myself some type of validation, but to find the words to express myself and what I learn in life, so that maybe one of you might understand that you are not alone. Life was never meant to be easy. Good luck, money and riches are not usually handed to you on a silver platter. There are days that we feel alone, forgotten, or hated by the world. Sometimes we just need to know someone else knows what we are going through.

If this blog helps even one person, then it has succeeded. If it is only a journal of thoughts for myself, that is fine as well.

Boredom...

      Anyone else notice that I never posted last Tuesday?? Sorry about that I will have my Money Issues post published on Friday. Thank you again for all of your guys' support! And without further ado, now to this weeks post.


     Boredom...is a very common thing. As a teenager, and now college student, boredom was and is a very common sickness I have developed. Now understand, it is and has been, a rare occasion that I am not busy. I have been working at different jobs nonstop and juggling school since I was a freshman in High School. Then add all the extracurricular activities I was involved in, it wasn't very often that I had free time. Yet, some how, at least a few times a week, I was bored and oh man did I voice it to the world that I was bored, as if some how it was the world's fault and someone needed to rescue me.
      Here is what I have learned. We get bored and restless with ourselves at different moments. We want to go out, party, date, watch a movie, just something right? Or if you are like how I was, you use being bored as an excuse to procrastinate on homework (I know a few of you laughed and nodded). But we tend to blame us being restless on others or things. For example, money, friends are busy, homework, nothing to do. But honestly the only reason you are bored, is because of you.

      If you don't have any money or don't know what to do, play cards, a board game, go on a walk or a hike. Take a bike ride around town. Sing, write, watch a movie at home. Honestly google  or pintrest it and you will find an endless supply of ideas.

      Friends are busy? Who cares, go out on your own. By going out on your own, your are abling yourself to get to have some personal one on one time to get back in tune with who you are individually. Here is a crazy thought...hang out with your family! Make new friends.

      Homework? If there is anything that I have learned, just do it. Finish it before the last second. It is that simple.

      Don't like anything on here, change your perspective or take a nap. That is all I have to say.

People, Enjoy life while you have it. Take every moment in, because before you know it, it will be gone. And personally I would rather know I did something, anything, than looking back and seeing all the time I wasted.

So You Don't Like The Way You Look...

     Tell me if I'm wrong, but this subject is almost talked about, too much. For girls its, my hair won't work, my thighs are too big, my cheeks look like a hippo, my face is covered in acne. The list goes on and on. For the guys, my best guess is all about being toned, muscular, and other areas. (I am a girl I don't really know) All I do know is, that is is not only girls who feel incompetent about the way that they look. We all have insecurities.
      We could go off on a shpeal (yes sh-p-eel) about how you are perfect exactly the way that you are, but I'm not going to, at least not exactly. In all honesty none of us are perfect. We all have things that differ from everyone else. And we live in this world, that compares every one us, based on the social want of what we think is perfect. No matter if its a Size 0 or a Size 16 that we praise, there will always be some group that doesn't make the cut, in the eyes of society. Why? Because we are built to function by putting everything in groups. Things that are right, and things that aren't. So we error in the way that we perceive judgment on people. Because why must there always be a right or wrong to everything.
        The way I see it is, if you don't like the way you look, stop looking in the eyes of the world. Because you can go to the gym. You can watch what you eat. But for how ever long, that you are only looking at yourself in the way that the world sees you, you'll never be good enough. Because no matter how much anyone tries, no one is perfect. No one has every single quality that the world has deemed right. We are all filled with imperfections. But understand, that those imperfections, are what make each and every one of you, unique, and it's whats unique  that is worth seeing.
      If you don't like the way you look, change your perspective. Stand in front of the mirror and look at you. I mean, really look at you. Don't think about what you question is wrong. Look at you for who you are. You are unique. You are the only ideal you.
      Stop looking at yourself through the world's eyes, and start looking at yourself through your own.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Single and Alone...

   

Let’s face it, the position of being single and alone is a very, very popular subject. You might be in a serious relationship and you are trying to give singles advice, or you’re single and you’re sick and tired of other people trying to give you advice. If you are not apart of any side, you then fall into the other category.I, myself, am on the single side of this issue, if we can even call this an issue. So far in my life I haven’t had many long term relationships. Which means, a majority of my life I have not had a significant other. So trust me when I say, I understand being what it's like being single.


To begin, let me just set the ground floor, you know, dismiss some myths. First of all, just because someone is single, does not mean the number one thing they want, is a boyfriend or girlfriend. Yes, there are nights when I wish I had someone to sunggle up with, eat take out, and watch Bones with me. But that, in no way means, I need a relationship. Remember, almost my entire understanding of how to survive in this world, is on my own. The idea of having someone else to worry about, to have weight in all my decision, or to even open up to, is not in my comfort zone. My main focuses are my family and friends, work, and school. There are more important things to me than finding someone this second.


The next myth, is just because I am alone right now, does not mean, in any way, that I am going to be alone forever. Just because someone is single and not actively searching for a partner, has no jurisdiction how their future will play out. For instance, I’m not looking for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to dating if someone comes along.


If you are single, there is nothing wrong with you. It gets lonely sometimes. Every once in awhile you’ll wake up at night, wishing someone was next to you. At any moment you might see a couple holding hands and realize you want that. You might, during the holiday season, secretly hope that next year you’ll be spending it with someone you love, instead of being surrounded by other couples. I can’t promise you that some nights, it won’t suck. But understand that doesn't mean, at all, that there is something that is wrong with you. Or that there isn't other things in your life that can make you happy.


Just because you don’t have someone right now, doesn’t mean you won’t later down the road. Remember that being alone, helps you better understand who you are. When you understand yourself, it helps you understand the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don’t settle. Someone is out there that you will love unconditionally. For now, enjoy having all of the blankets and the bed to yourself, to spread out like a starfish. Embrace every happiness you feel, because you know that you can be happy on your own. You’ll never fully appreciate what it is to be with someone, unless you can understand what it is like without them. Find yourself, so that you can one day find them. But don’t rush.


And for any of you, who for some reason, feel like it’s your job to help others that aren’t in a relationship like you are. Please understand, you might makes someone feel bad if you are constantly trying to fix them up with other people, or questioning their social life. Love them for who they are, and be there for them in what ever way they want you to be. Because if you are their friend, or family member, you are the most important people in their life right now, who they care for. No one wants to feel like someone they love, thinks that their standing in life right now, is not adequate.


Life is a marvelous and wonderful thing. That, although has some bad ingredients to it, is filled with beautiful moments and characteristics. Love is out there. You’ll find it in time. If you are alone, enjoy the little blessings you have around you and just be happy with what have right now. If you are not alone, appreciate the person you’re with. Don’t take love for granted.

Life is a journey, embrace every step.

If Only My Brain Had A Map...

     I seem to be battling lately, on how I feel. You see, things have been, as I can see, falling into place. I have friends to talk to and hang out with. Work is going great, and there is even a love interest thrown into the mix. This should make life seem great...right? Maybe it's the fact that I am use to being alone. I have, for so long now, learned to live and adapt to situations by myself. Never needing to lean on anyone, and just battling life by my lonesome. Which could be the reason that I feel off.
    Let me explain. There is a guy that I like. And oh my goodness, is he something else. He is really incredible. We are just friends, we've gone on a couple dates nothing too serious, and right now that is all it is going to be.  But it so natural to be with him. And he makes me happy and laugh harder than I have with anyone. I have liked only one person so far in my life that can even be compared to him. And this guy, over passed that one other person that came close, by the first date. I could write pages and pages about how magnificent this guy is. But I wont.
     For some crazy reason, he seems to like me. I don't understand why he does, and it makes no sense in my head. He is one of those amazing and nice guys that every girl falls for, and he deserves the best. But...I am the girl who even though, I love and care about everyone, has mastered to blend in with the shadows. I get my stuff done without leaving any tracks. I am not some unique eye catching woman. But I seem to have part of his attention.
I should be ecstatic right?
I should be head over heels, and one of those girls who are helplessly in love.
But I'm not...or at least not yet.
     Don't get me wrong, he makes my head spin, my stomach fill with butterflies, but the situation is so complex. That when he asks me how I feel, I don't want to say, because I don't want to think about it. There is still a chance that he will find someone better, someone more spectacular that I could ever be. And I know if I think about it, if I get to that level where I open myself up to these feelings I have pact behind this brick wall, I'm going to fall so hard and so deep, that if he does walk away...it's going to really hurt.
    So I ask myself, what should do? Should I tell him and risk this tight rope I'm walking? Or not say anything and hope that he picks me eventually?
    I honestly don't know, and I don't know if any one of you are in this same type of situation. The only advice I can give, is remember that if it doesn't work out, life won't end. That for now, enjoy the moment, smile, and hope that maybe one day you actually get to break down that wall and embrace all those feelings you were scared to feel.
    I want nothing more than for him to be happy. And if that is not with me, I'll get through it. But a girl can wish right?

I hope the best for everyone that is out there!
I will write soon.

We Lie...

        The reason that the whole word is so complicated can be narrowed down to a simple thing. We lie. We lie about everything. How we feel, what we think, and what is really going on.  One of the soul reasons why so many marriages end in divorce is because we lie to each other. While one person is laying in bed at night, focusing on all these negative thoughts and issues, the other is either at a loss, completely confused, on why their spouse is acting so weird, or has no idea there is any issue at all. Why is that? Because one person said "I'm fine" or "Don't worry about it" and held in the very problems that became the core reason why they left.
        The truth is, if we would just be honest with people, a lot of issues would be resolved or able to be worked out. But we don't, because deep down we have been conditioned to believe that we have to fend for ourselves, and the pain and hurt we feel is shown as a weakness to everyone around us. That if we try to speak the words running through our heads, we will be seen as broken, or that we are whining when so many others have it worse off then ourselves. People don't seem to understand that everyone, no matter how small, has difficulties in their life that effect them is ways, that someone who has not lived in their shoes, can never fully understand. And when they don't listen, or don't try to understand, they make accusations and misjudge. So we lie. We pretend that we are fine. So that others will not tell us to "suck it up" or "Get over it" and we just hope that we will make it out alive.

I Want To Be Just Friends...

"I think it is best if we were just friends."

     That one sentence, spoken out of the mouth of someone you truly care about, is one that can ice every vein in your body, make your stomach drop, and crush every ounce of light you had just seconds prior. This, if you are a girl like myself, leads to nights crying yourself to sleep, being emotionally unstable, and then proceeding to hate yourself because you can't seem to put yourself back together and you feel like a baby.
     Every single question seems to cross your mind repeatedly of "What happened", "What did I do", "Is there someone else", or even "Am I not good enough". We hate ourselves, then the other person of interest, then hate the situation, then crumble to pieces. When in reality, all of those questions we consistently think about for days, weeks, even moths, actually are worse then it ends up being. The hardest part of  giving your heart to another person, is that there is a good chance without them meaning to, they will crush it in their hands, and you have no way to stop it.
     Recently I have had this gut wrenching line given to me, by a guy I never meant to fall hard for. The truth is that I knew, before we started started dating, things would never work right at that moment. We were two people, who, if everything were to fall into place, we had to be, at least for myself, at a different place in our lives. But I never took into an account that he, personality wise, was who he was. I never thought, or ever would of guessed, that just hanging out with him, would be so different. I didn't know, he would be... well him. I never meant to fall like I had, I never meant to feel what I felt, and I never meant to care as much as I cared. He was leaving, I was staying, and I am the only one to blame for letting myself create this emotional wreck.
      Although, since I have been told I think differently than most girls, and I just really care about people, tried to actually be his friend. See I am the type of person, who if someone tells me they just want to be friends, after I explode into an female break down, I will suck it up and actually try to be there for them as a friend. I still would listen, I would still care, and I would keep my emotions to myself and be the best friend I could be. The problem that lies here, is if the guy doesn't want anything to do with you, or really does actually like you and they are leaving, them saying lets just be friends means "I need my space". Whether or not its space because they can't stand you, or space to be able to do the things they need to do, while disconnecting themselves from something that will hold them back, means being there as a friend isn't what they actually want or need.
     I have no actual idea, if any of those two scenarios actually pertain to my situation, but it took a close friend, after I over reacted to something, to show me that if I really cared about the guy I need to give him that space. This meant, not texting him, not facebook messaging him, and most yet, no snap chatting him. Do I think there could be a potential next chapter in the future, I don't know and I just don't want to think about it right now honestly.
     The cold truth of it all is, that the line "I just want to be friends" really utterly sucks. It's that simple. I don't have any advice that can ever magically fix the situation or take away your pain. The best I can tell you is that every heart break, every bump you have to go through, gives you experience. That experience, makes it so that the next time this happens you, you are better equipped to handle it. If things are meant to be you'll find a way, but sometimes you just have to do what is right even if it may suck.

Don't Give Up Just Yet...

"Good things come to those who believe. Better things come to those who are patient and the best things come to those who don't give up."
`Unknown

     The thing I like about this quote, is that this can fit with so many different things we all go through everyday. For me, at least for now, is that there are things in this life that we have no idea of the outcome. There are just certain things we can't control, feelings we can't read, and futures we can't see. 
     The relationships that we all wish and dream for are not normally met or given to us freely. It is made up of a foundation of nerves, butterflies, and putting your heart on the line for something or someone that you know and pray is worth it. Worth the possible fail, the pain, the heartache that very well could meet you at the other end of that door. But sometimes when we know, deep down, this is different. That risk, the waiting, and the not giving up when at first it doesn't just fall in your lap, could indeed end up being, the greatest thing that happens to you in your life.
      If you have something, anything at all, any person who has made you forget where you were standing, or not notice any of the other people around you, someone who just fit, who made sense, I beg you don't give up quite yet if there are barriers in you way. Don't let go just because it's hard right now. Be patient, fake a smile if you have to, but don't loose the one person who could be the one  who can change your life in a way that no one else can. Yes...there is a chance they will still walk away, But personally, I could deal with that much better than looking back on my past and knowing I was the one who let go and walked away and lost something I've wanted more than anything before, because what if, what if it worked, what if they came back. I would much rather knowing I did everything I could, than to know that I might never know if I could of been that happy.
     Believe, be patient, and don't give up...at least not yet.

Lost Battle Ground...

     I've been at a loss of words lately. I am not sure how to act and how to feel about so many things. I am not a little kid anymore, yet I know I am far from being an adult. Recently I have found myself stuck in this middle ground, or no mans land. And quite honestly, I have no freaking Idea what to do.
     Life is a funny concept, right when you get your act together, that is when you noticed everything has changed beneath your nose and you had no clue. So you then proceed to quickly try to catch up with the world and the next thing you know you're even more lost.
     There is no doubt in my mind that eventually I will find myself, or at least enough to get through contently, but until then the only advice I can give you, is keep your head up, wish for the best and battle through.
      Be strong, for the world is a constant battle ground.

I Am Mormon And I Believe In Gay Rights...

     In complete and total honesty I do not want to drag religion into this blog, though I understand my title may have already done that already. My point is to say that people need to understand that society tends to stereotype certain people and Mormons tend to be one of them. Some say that we "Mormons" are completely and utterly against gays. You are wrong, and I am here to say uh hey...I'm not.
     First of all, I hate how people call them "Gays" they are people for crying out loud. We don't walk around the street talking in conversation saying, "Why oh yes we straights blah blah blah blah blah..." It would be absurd and plain right weird to do so. They are bleeding, breathing, living human beings who were born just like you or me. There is nothing wrong with them, they are just different than what society deems as normal. But how is that a bad thing. I'm not normal, ha, I am one of the weirdest individuals out of any of my friends that I know of, I think differently, I act differently, and It is perfectly okay.
     Now this is how I will tie religion into this, and I am sorry if this upsets any readers. God teaches us to love one another, God teaches us to care for one another, and most of all God teaches us not to judge one another. If it is not your life, then why should you care.
      Everyone has the right to live, act, and be the way that they choose. We were given free agency. Anyone and everyone has the right to either believe in god or not to believe in god. We all have the right to have sex now or wait till we are married (Sorry for my bluntness). People drink and people do drugs, do I wish that they didn't, of course I do especially if it's someone I deeply care about, but am I going to tell them they are all sinners and going to Hell, of course not that was there choice to do those things not mine. It is not my right or anyone elses right to judge how people decide to live their lives, because it is not my life, it is theirs. Now if their actions were to put anyone in harms way, that's a different story, but other than that, you nor I have any type of right to tell anyone how to chose to live their life.
     I was taught, and I believe, that god loves his children. He loves every single one of us for our good parts and our bad. I would never believe, for a second, he would ever turn his back on a child of god just because the place they found love in, is different then what it was in the past (If it is different). But my point is for any religious or non religious people out there who are focused on the scriptures "A marriage should be between a man and a woman" understand that there are more scriptures that states to not judge and love thy neighbor. You can't use one scripture as a basis of an argument while ignoring all the others.
     In short  religious or non religious "gays" are people who are just living their life. Whether you like it or not they are still people and have rights. Give it a rest and live your own life...in a good way of course.

Growing Up Sucks...

     I have finally come to a realization on the statement that parents and adults seemed to find a joy in saying, because they said it ALL THE TIME, "Enjoy being a kid while you can", why, Cause growing up sucks. I apologize for my word choice, but it's true. Paying for stuff, organizing time, working,  doing things you have to do but don't have time for, it's like my whole social life just went down the toilet and all I have is a picture that feels like it was ages ago.
     The first thing that caught my attention was taxes. Now I am only a part time employee in the food business and still going to high school, but taxes took $100 dollars out of a $400 dollar check...I hate taxes...now I know that I am not an full fledged adult and I still haven't seen the real gist of what and how taxes will actually effect me in the future, but I don't necessarily want to find out. For a senior in high school, working my butt off and still trying to deal with school, $100 is a lot of money. Taxes are important for government and state funding, and I know that they need to happen, but they still are a pain in my...rear.
      Like I mentioned before, my social life has disappeared. I still have friends I mean I'm not friendless. Although, my grandpa still thinks that I actually pay people to pretend to be my friends at family get togethers,  and it's sad because I am not sure if he is joking.... But see I go to school, then I go to the gym, then to work and then home to do my homework and sleep. I don't have time to go see my friends, and when I do I would rather put on baggy PJ's and just wrap myself in a fuzzy blanket and watch netflix relaxing at home. If they want to come join me, the more the merrier, but it takes a lot of effort to upkeep with a lot of friends and deal with their drama. It sounds horrible but think about it, either go hang out with high school teenagers, who are obsessing about their love lives and petty drama, that if you just look at it in a big spectrum usually deals with miscommunication and a drama queen, or you can sit at home, cozzy and with food, watching psych... I think I made my point.
        Honestly, I miss dealing with my friends drama. I miss playing multiple schools sports and hanging out with my friends every other weekend. I miss huge movie parties where we spent the whole movie quoting lines or laughing so hard I was basically bawling. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere and that I really mattered. But instead I work all day and then come home exhausted just to repeat. But thats life right...
     I know life will get better once I learn how to juggle everything and balance out my main concerns first, But when you are at that middle stage where you aren't a normal teenager anymore, but you aren't really an adult yet, it's hard. It's hard paying for bills, and paying for insurance and gas. It's hard having to work to get anywhere decent in life.
     But there is one thing I know...I know that if I work hard now and deal with the minimum rewards I will get in the short run, what I will receive in the long run it will be worth it.

Right?

Letting Go...

     I haven't posted in awhile because I find myself stuck at crossing paths in my life, and I can't seen to find the words to describe how or even what I am feeling. I stand here and I can see everyone growing up, changing, and becoming something of themselves. I watch this, I see everyone change and evolve into individuals that are and going on a completely sepparate path than mine, but I can't help but wonder is this what I want? Do I really want to grow up and leave my friend that changed my life behind? Do I want to lose grasp on the friendships that got me through the darkest times in my life? Do I want to let go...
     These questions run through my head every night. They come to mind when ever I open my Facebook or check my text messages. My friends are who made me who I am today. They were the reason I smiled so many times, and laughed so hard I cried on countless occasions. So how can I let them go, when everything good about me is because of them. My past is disappearing, not just my friends but the places I grew up or went to school, they have been torn down or changed.
      I have come to understand the statements adults have said, which was "Enjoy these days as a kid, because before long, they are just going to be memories you hold on to"
     I don't want to let go, and everyday I wish I could just rewind time for just one second to that, princess bride movie party, or laying on the trampoline with a bunch of my friends looking up at the stars, but I can't rewind time. I can't go back and relive those friendships that have faded into my past. I have to let go...that doesn't mean forget, but I have to let go to move forward in my life, because hopefully moments like that will happen again but not if I'm stuck in the past.


Don't let time slip away from you, take a hold of the moments you have right now, because one day they are just going to be a memory you can remember...

    

Broken Glass...

Have you ever heard the saying that sometimes when things are just so broken, you will hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together again, than just walking away?

     I think I have walked away so many times that I have built a wall so thick and so firm that I honestly don't know how to fall for someone anymore. Its like I repressed so much that it's almost as if flipped a switch in my head that keeps me from letting myself put myself out there unguarded.
     The problem with leaving things broken lying on the floor, unfinished and in pieces, is the fact you are leaving a part of yourself unmended. Yes, it might hurt more to try to fix things, but you can never fully get back to your normal state of mind, with unfinished emotions and business lurking somewhere in the back of your head. To have the ability to move on from your past, one must have the strength to deal with the pain of whatever is hiding in the shadows.

     If you don't...you will never get to where you want to be.
     Have the strength to deal with it, trust me, you will be glad you did.

  

One in a Million...

     Everyone, it seems like, is determined to one day find that one in a million, the one, that they will ride off into the sunset with in the end of the story. People act as if it's impossible to find this person, or that when they finally do find someone they connect with, are close with, and then that person is, poof, gone out of their life, they give up. They say "there was no one else out there for me" or "that was the one". That might be true that they did in fact find that "One in a million" but I feel like people are just so narrowly gazed at the situation, they don't contemplate the fact that there is over 7 Billion people in this world.  There is more than one, one in a million, out there just waiting for them to find them...don't give up. Yes, you might of lost one of them, but there are hundreds more.
   

Life Sucks...

Life Sucks...
 
      That one short sentence holds so much weight that just about every person can relate to. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot in life that is unconditionally amazing and breath taking, but...life sucks. To further the understanding of my statement is in retrospect of life, when life finally gets to the point where everything is working out and your heart and mind is almost walking on air, that is the point where in a short period of time, your life is going to come crashing down, someway-somehow.
       Just recently, my life was at the top notch level of existence. I finally was making my weight goals, (got my two pack heck ya!!), school was out for the year, and a guy that I had been so close to for years, who was my best friend, had recently got dumped by his girl friend and him and I started hanging out a great deal more than before. He acted in a way that he seemed like he was over the break up that I had been helping him through, and for the first time we stepped into a new level of our relationship, and it worked. For the first time in my life, a relationship with a guy came easy and felt right. I was at a state of bliss, I was happy, and everything was significantly falling into place. But that one thing, one thing I didn't prepare for, was that life always will throw a curve ball after a home run.
        His ex wanted him back , which of course he gladly went back with open arms, and I was left confused and hurt in a way I have never realized I ever could be. Let me add, I have been thrown a lot of crap at in my life, I am pretty tough, so the way I was hurt perplexed me. I proceeded to react, dare I say, in a very immature way making a colossus mess, and leaving one of my closest and most important friendships broken so immensely, that I fear will never be repaired.
      My story is not for the intention of sympathy, but for the idea of understanding the point I am trying to get across. We are humans with feelings, fragile beings persay. It is important to always be prepared for what ever may come our way. Though remember, life is not all bad, actually it is far from it. It's just that the worst moments in our life, though in broad view are little specs of importance in the whole picture, impact and engrave in our emotional memory that for us it comes naturally for the hurt and the pain to be the first thing we can remember or go back to.
        Will this weighted message I need to add like I've said before, "After every storm there is always a rainbow". I noticed something the other day when my friend sent me a double frownie face :(:( in a text message. I noticed that the more frownie faces their were, the more smiley faces that hide just between the lines. Life might hit rock bottom now and again, but things will eventually get better.
       Pain and grief isn't permanent...and it never will be.
     

A Child's Playground...

Are the adults of today really mature for their years? In the years past after an election it has been found that the effect of the turn out is brutal and the threat of blood shed seems close at hand.  To reason with any American over politics, is an idea that has no grasp to reality or has any ability to obtain it. During an election year you will find numerous optimistically biased people who think that the fate of the world is in the one person they want to elect.  They also believe that the destruction of the world is in the hands of the opposing candidate.

People hold to no reason or law in the midst of a political argument. They appear to stop at nothing to get the candidate they want to become the next President of the United States of America. In a political fight individuals loose sight on who they actually are and the people they are debating with. The hypocrisy of their rules, reason, and attitude holds no standing to an actual intellectual citizen. Family, Friends, and neighbors’ tension grows to a point where they are thrown away and dismissed as enemies because of their personal opinion. Why, do you ask? Because people are ridiculous.

This may be a good time to give contemplation to what a democracy really is. Democracy is having the “Free and equal right of everyone to participate in the system of government” (Dictionary). Democracy is an adult term giving light that this is a country that elects people of power by the voice of free and equal citizens.

To what democracy is not, democracy is not a child’s playground where rules like, “Finders keeper’s loser’s weepers”, or, “What I say goes because I’m the biggest kid around”, applies. Where if the kid on the opposite side of the sandbox builds a better sandcastle than you, you then proceed to go and kick the sand in their face and stomp away in a tantrum. It is social equality to the citizens of America, but it is not a free ticket to get what ever one individual wants.

Democracy is not an absolute monarchy and is not a system that is rigged to only pick the worse candidate that they possible can to ruin the lives of so many Americans. If you or anyone else has the slightest uproar of who was elected the only person you can blame is you and the people around you.

So why then are the reactions of people because of their candidate loosing so harsh to a point where people then attack on those who believed differently than themselves. Aren’t those same people they call abominations and traitors the same people they works with, have lunch with, and watch the super bowl with.

America is known for having diverse people who are united in one single country. Every part of the country is built in a different territory and region, and the diverse people are grown to learn the basics of different morals. So why is one person’s opinion better than another? I know that I feel that I see life from somewhat of a mature stand point, but who am I to say I know more than the next?

There has been some talk that the result of this new election has started a disturbance in the facebook realm. And this seems quit off to me. Everyone who voted believed that they were voting for the person they thought would best be suited for the title “President”. And the polls were close, but there will always be a winning side, and a losing side. But you have to understand that if you fall on the losing side that a majority of people felt like their candidate was better suited.

So if you are one of those people who feel like posting a picture saying that the people who reelected Obama are the pure definition of insanity. Try to realize that you are calling over half of this country insane. And you are acting out in a way that is no better than a child on a playground.

Mistakes...

"Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement."
~Henry Ford

     Everyday, we as human beings, will run into blockades. We will make mistakes, look back and wish we could change something in our past, but we can't. We get so focused on what could of happened instead of what can happen.
     Honestly, you can't change the past, but you can take every day as a new day. Those mistakes, those lost words, those broken hearts, those are what make you who you are today. The mistakes and choices we make are what shape us. Anything good that happens now, could be because of what happened then. Stop wasting your time looking back, you might just miss a chance now.
     Life is what it is, a messed up quandary. nothing is what it should be and nothing is what it seems. Deal with it.You,can take today and make something out of it.You make the choices of  how you will take the situation before you. Stop looking at the glass half empty and live every second of the life you have right now. Anyone can take a situation, and change it into something that means something.