Broken Glass...

Have you ever heard the saying that sometimes when things are just so broken, you will hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together again, than just walking away?

     I think I have walked away so many times that I have built a wall so thick and so firm that I honestly don't know how to fall for someone anymore. Its like I repressed so much that it's almost as if flipped a switch in my head that keeps me from letting myself put myself out there unguarded.
     The problem with leaving things broken lying on the floor, unfinished and in pieces, is the fact you are leaving a part of yourself unmended. Yes, it might hurt more to try to fix things, but you can never fully get back to your normal state of mind, with unfinished emotions and business lurking somewhere in the back of your head. To have the ability to move on from your past, one must have the strength to deal with the pain of whatever is hiding in the shadows.

     If you don't...you will never get to where you want to be.
     Have the strength to deal with it, trust me, you will be glad you did.

  

One in a Million...

     Everyone, it seems like, is determined to one day find that one in a million, the one, that they will ride off into the sunset with in the end of the story. People act as if it's impossible to find this person, or that when they finally do find someone they connect with, are close with, and then that person is, poof, gone out of their life, they give up. They say "there was no one else out there for me" or "that was the one". That might be true that they did in fact find that "One in a million" but I feel like people are just so narrowly gazed at the situation, they don't contemplate the fact that there is over 7 Billion people in this world.  There is more than one, one in a million, out there just waiting for them to find them...don't give up. Yes, you might of lost one of them, but there are hundreds more.
   

Life Sucks...

Life Sucks...
 
      That one short sentence holds so much weight that just about every person can relate to. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot in life that is unconditionally amazing and breath taking, but...life sucks. To further the understanding of my statement is in retrospect of life, when life finally gets to the point where everything is working out and your heart and mind is almost walking on air, that is the point where in a short period of time, your life is going to come crashing down, someway-somehow.
       Just recently, my life was at the top notch level of existence. I finally was making my weight goals, (got my two pack heck ya!!), school was out for the year, and a guy that I had been so close to for years, who was my best friend, had recently got dumped by his girl friend and him and I started hanging out a great deal more than before. He acted in a way that he seemed like he was over the break up that I had been helping him through, and for the first time we stepped into a new level of our relationship, and it worked. For the first time in my life, a relationship with a guy came easy and felt right. I was at a state of bliss, I was happy, and everything was significantly falling into place. But that one thing, one thing I didn't prepare for, was that life always will throw a curve ball after a home run.
        His ex wanted him back , which of course he gladly went back with open arms, and I was left confused and hurt in a way I have never realized I ever could be. Let me add, I have been thrown a lot of crap at in my life, I am pretty tough, so the way I was hurt perplexed me. I proceeded to react, dare I say, in a very immature way making a colossus mess, and leaving one of my closest and most important friendships broken so immensely, that I fear will never be repaired.
      My story is not for the intention of sympathy, but for the idea of understanding the point I am trying to get across. We are humans with feelings, fragile beings persay. It is important to always be prepared for what ever may come our way. Though remember, life is not all bad, actually it is far from it. It's just that the worst moments in our life, though in broad view are little specs of importance in the whole picture, impact and engrave in our emotional memory that for us it comes naturally for the hurt and the pain to be the first thing we can remember or go back to.
        Will this weighted message I need to add like I've said before, "After every storm there is always a rainbow". I noticed something the other day when my friend sent me a double frownie face :(:( in a text message. I noticed that the more frownie faces their were, the more smiley faces that hide just between the lines. Life might hit rock bottom now and again, but things will eventually get better.
       Pain and grief isn't permanent...and it never will be.
     

A Child's Playground...

Are the adults of today really mature for their years? In the years past after an election it has been found that the effect of the turn out is brutal and the threat of blood shed seems close at hand.  To reason with any American over politics, is an idea that has no grasp to reality or has any ability to obtain it. During an election year you will find numerous optimistically biased people who think that the fate of the world is in the one person they want to elect.  They also believe that the destruction of the world is in the hands of the opposing candidate.

People hold to no reason or law in the midst of a political argument. They appear to stop at nothing to get the candidate they want to become the next President of the United States of America. In a political fight individuals loose sight on who they actually are and the people they are debating with. The hypocrisy of their rules, reason, and attitude holds no standing to an actual intellectual citizen. Family, Friends, and neighbors’ tension grows to a point where they are thrown away and dismissed as enemies because of their personal opinion. Why, do you ask? Because people are ridiculous.

This may be a good time to give contemplation to what a democracy really is. Democracy is having the “Free and equal right of everyone to participate in the system of government” (Dictionary). Democracy is an adult term giving light that this is a country that elects people of power by the voice of free and equal citizens.

To what democracy is not, democracy is not a child’s playground where rules like, “Finders keeper’s loser’s weepers”, or, “What I say goes because I’m the biggest kid around”, applies. Where if the kid on the opposite side of the sandbox builds a better sandcastle than you, you then proceed to go and kick the sand in their face and stomp away in a tantrum. It is social equality to the citizens of America, but it is not a free ticket to get what ever one individual wants.

Democracy is not an absolute monarchy and is not a system that is rigged to only pick the worse candidate that they possible can to ruin the lives of so many Americans. If you or anyone else has the slightest uproar of who was elected the only person you can blame is you and the people around you.

So why then are the reactions of people because of their candidate loosing so harsh to a point where people then attack on those who believed differently than themselves. Aren’t those same people they call abominations and traitors the same people they works with, have lunch with, and watch the super bowl with.

America is known for having diverse people who are united in one single country. Every part of the country is built in a different territory and region, and the diverse people are grown to learn the basics of different morals. So why is one person’s opinion better than another? I know that I feel that I see life from somewhat of a mature stand point, but who am I to say I know more than the next?

There has been some talk that the result of this new election has started a disturbance in the facebook realm. And this seems quit off to me. Everyone who voted believed that they were voting for the person they thought would best be suited for the title “President”. And the polls were close, but there will always be a winning side, and a losing side. But you have to understand that if you fall on the losing side that a majority of people felt like their candidate was better suited.

So if you are one of those people who feel like posting a picture saying that the people who reelected Obama are the pure definition of insanity. Try to realize that you are calling over half of this country insane. And you are acting out in a way that is no better than a child on a playground.

Mistakes...

"Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement."
~Henry Ford

     Everyday, we as human beings, will run into blockades. We will make mistakes, look back and wish we could change something in our past, but we can't. We get so focused on what could of happened instead of what can happen.
     Honestly, you can't change the past, but you can take every day as a new day. Those mistakes, those lost words, those broken hearts, those are what make you who you are today. The mistakes and choices we make are what shape us. Anything good that happens now, could be because of what happened then. Stop wasting your time looking back, you might just miss a chance now.
     Life is what it is, a messed up quandary. nothing is what it should be and nothing is what it seems. Deal with it.You,can take today and make something out of it.You make the choices of  how you will take the situation before you. Stop looking at the glass half empty and live every second of the life you have right now. Anyone can take a situation, and change it into something that means something.

When A Friend Dies...

"Never Forgotten"
     For those of you who have read my blog you might of noticed that about a year ago my friend had past away. With the days coming closer to the day that she past away, I have found that, what seemed a little easy to cope with during the year, is becoming harder, like a fresh cut, and beginning to become difficult to to handle. The feeling of loss, regret, pain, all seem repeat its self day after day, wearing me down.
     Those of you who have lost someone in your life can probably relate to what I am saying, but for those who can't, I will break it down and start from the beginning....
     I met Kasey in elementary on a club volleyball team and man, did I look up to her. She could spike and hit that volleyball like I never saw someone our age hit. I thought for sure she had the strength of a hero. She was funny and very perky, always walking up with a big "Hi!" Waving her hand crazily and always making me smile. She really was something else.
     Later in my school years I moved away and then came back. When returning to a school with kids you grew up with once, it can feel like entering a brand new place. The faces looked the same, but the people were completely different. Kasey and this group of friends adopted me in, and believe it or not we became somewhat close. We went to the mall, I took Kasey's brother trick or treating with her one Halloween night, and she became someone who would listen to my problems and then slap me in the face with the truth I needed to hear.
    Now, getting to the point of my story, about a year ago, a couple weeks before her death, she had attended girls camp with her best friend who is my friend as well. I had missed Kasey because we had grown apart and were now reconnecting. I was going to give her a letter, because at camp you can send letters to other girls that are sent out at night like a little goodnight note, and I wanted to tell her about how much she truly did mean to me. To be honest, she got me through a lot, more than she never probably knew she had. I had a gut feeling I should tell her, I needed to tell her, these things I wanted to say. There was so much over the years, that I just never told her. Needless to say, I got caught up in my own life, my own drama, that I never got around to sending that letter... I meant to give it to her later but as you can see...that didn't happen.  I still have to this day and all it has on it is, "Dear Kasey, "
     There are certain things I still regret. I wish so much I would of sent that letter. If I wouldn't of been so self conscious maybe she would of gotten to see it before it was too late. My point of this is not to wallow in my misery, or the fact of me missing my friend, or tell of my regrets, but to teach or at least tell one major lesson I got out of all of this... 
     You never know what is going to happen between today and tomorrow. But don't get caught up in yourself, your problems, and your pain. Now don't take this the wrong way, you should still care about yourself, but don't let it get in the way of taking in everything and everyone around you. Live your life in a way that you won't have a regret if you died tomorrow. Tell everyone you care about, that you care about them and what they mean to you, because you never know when your last day...or theirs...will come.

     I miss Kasey and I wish everyday that I could see her one more time just to tell her the things that I wanted to say. I will never forget her...ever....don't make the same mistake I did...

What I Thought Then, Is Different Now...

"I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice. I'm mad for apologizing for things I didn't do. I am mad for getting attached. I am mad for thinking about you, but most of all I am mad for not hating you when I should."
 ~Unknown

      I don't know what it is, but we all seem to get caught up in a moment and loose sight on every sensible intelligent bone in our body. When looking back we think, "What the heck was I thinking." We tend to get so focused on what is going on right now, right in front of our faces, that we don't stop to think in a broader horizon.
     The reason I say this is simple. I was thinking back on the moments that, at the time, I thought were going to be the greatest moments of my high school life. I was happy. The things that use to make me upset, didn't seem to bug me anymore. Things for the first time, seemed to be working out and falling into place. I was finally able to let my guard down and open myself to the possibility that this time was different. He was different. But he wasn't...
     Now don't get me wrong here, I don't hate him, I don't blame him, or wish any cruel thing upon him. But I do hate myself for not seeing the signs. The truth is...there was so much there that I should of noticed. The repeat of his history, the same old sappy sayings, and the biggest of all, the times I was at the lowest point in my life, he didn't know what to say. And honestly, its not what he couldn't say, but it wasn't right. If it was right, I should of wanted to talk out everything with him, let him in on my deepest emotions. But I didn't... I actually didn't feel comfortable talking about those things. Yet, I still kept falling...
     The point is...Now, looking back I noticed everything that I missed. How the times I cried myself to sleep(You might think is a silly girl thing), times I would wait for him to get online just so I could say hi, and the pain I single handedly set myself up for, it didn't have to happen. But the thing is, I didn't notice... I got so absorbed with what was going on around me,What I thought I felt, I never stopped to take a step back, and just take everything in.
      I could easily say, "Don't let this be you, don't fall into the same mistakes I have made..." but the thing is, its gonna happen, and hopefully, one day, you'll make the right choice. I just want to say, when it does happen, please, don't hate yourself because you cared. Don't hate yourself, for giving people/ the person the benefit of the doubt. The truth is, this world needs people that give hope and that care about something for a change. Life, as many times as it is stated, is never an easy road.
     You will get hurt, you will cry, you will make mistakes...but that is just life...Don't beat yourself over it. Just take it one day at a time... You'll be surprised how far you can go.