No one is going to keep me down....

So I have come to recognize a fault in me. It is very simple really. I start having this great life, where I am completely on top of the world, that nothing can go wrong, but after awhile my life starts to turn. I can't keep a hold of anything. I over think everything, and just loose who I am. It is almost like a loop that I keep going on, over and over again.
This time it's going to be different. I am not going to loose myself. I just have to keep telling myself, "Holy crap girl! Get a hold of yourself, stop thinking so much and just have some fun."
I know who I am, I know my standards, and I know where I want to go. I am not going to let people, changes, and speed bumps, keep me in a mess.
I am ready to go out, let go, take it in, and just be me.
No one is going to keep me down...not this time.

(Vent) Freaking out...

This isn't what I expected...maybe I should of guessed.

I guessed I would cry before and when I finally said the words...
I was right

I guessed that I would cry myself to sleep for the first few nights...
I was right.

I guessed it would be hard to see you...
I was right.

But...

I didn't guess that when I saw you, how badly I would want to hold your hand.
I didn't guess that I would still wake up thinking of you.
I didn't guess that everything would remind me of you.
And I didn't guess it would hurt this much.

I sound depressed when honestly I'm really not.It is very hard to explain... I am still living my life, having fun with my friends, and laughing all the time.

It's just he became apart of my life and its like living life with something missing. (Holy crap I really sound like a sappy love movie, but I don't know how else to explain it.)
We both still like each other, and I still want to be with him. Every morning I wake up thinking of him and feel like breaking up with him was a mistake.

Everyone else just loves to jump in and tell me I was right, that it is better this way, and that this is what needed to happen. (When really these same people were the ones saying, "You guys are so cute." "You guys need to be with each other" GAH get out of my head) Honestly I know this probably is the best choice. That this is the best thing for both of us...
But is it suppose to hurt this much if its the best thing?
I dont know...

It is scary to think of him dating other people...
It is scary to think of me dating other people...

The truth is, if we really did like each other we can pick it back up later on... hopefully.

But I am freaking out!
I just needed to write it out where my friends wouldn't read...
GAHHHHH Seriously....

Goodbye for now....

"I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile."
~unknown

Sometimes in life you will find someone that makes you smile, makes your heart skip a beat every time you catch their eye, and creates a spot in your heart that will always be there. There will also be boulders on our path in life, that you have to make changes you don't want to.

I met someone and for the first time in awhile that I was able to put my guard down enough to let him in, to care so much about on person. He was sweet, caring, and a great guy. Every time I got to see him my heart seemed to pound so hard I could swear the people around me could hear. When he held my hand, every single time I got the butterflies in my stomach. He meant so much to me, and he actually cared about me. I believe that meeting him was one of the best things that could of happened me this year.

I didn't let go because I stopped liking him, or that he did anything wrong. The truth is...I didn't want to let go, or even thinking about him with anyone else. It's just in life... some of the best things come at the wrong time. Because of the time it happened, and the changes, even though I wanted it to work it couldn't...at least not for now...

Here's the deal though... have you ever heard the saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it was always yours. If it doesn't, it was never was..." Life is a spontaneous confusing thing. Life might be short but it is long enough that down the line, the people you had to say goodbye to,well... you just never know, they could come back.
Just don't hang on to it, move on, be happy. You don't have to forget, but still live your life...and hey you never know what can happen, you might be able to pick up where you left off.

It could be just... goodbye for now....

You can never tell...

"Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am...isn't me."
~Unknown

You know, we can never understand a person till you look past their faults, walls, and their cover. Every person has a story, a life, and a past. Some choose to hide their past to cover up their pain and memories.
One of my best friends has dealt with pain, loss, foster care, the feeling of not being wanted by her family. She has had to mature faster then normal, because she wasn't dealt a normal life. The fact is, she tried to make a life out of the ruble of a fallen home. She didn't want to remember her past, her present, or what her future might hold. All she wanted to, was to try to live a normal life with her friends.
She covered up her pain by laughing at everything and to act like her life was perfect, that nothing was wrong. True, she fell some days, made mistakes, and broke down. People judged her without knowing her. They made fun of her, when they didn't know or care for the truth. My point is, they couldn't understand how she acted because they didn't know her.
She once said... "you know my name, not my story. you've heard what i've done, but not what i've been through."

The point I am trying to make is not that everyone is miss judged. But to have people realize that there is more then a person then their cover or their act. There are a lot of people who hide what they are really going through, and other people are quick to judge and look down on them.
Be honest have you ever faked a smile just to get through the day.
Lied to a friends face because you didn't want the questions like, "what's wrong" or the pittiness of others.
Pretended that nothing was wrong when really your whole life is crashing down at rock bottom.

Life isn't easy and we aren't making anyone else's life easier by judging them down. I mean, even if you think you know them well enough...you don't. You might be able to get a perspective or a good idea...but honestly you don't know what they are going through till you live their life, which you never can.

You can never tell what is in someones heart, till you understand everything else about them.

Don't want to...

People Keep telling me to let you go, to break it off, and never look back...

But this is what I have found...
I don't want to let you go, because that would mean loosing the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me.
That the hurt of missing you when I can't see you is nothing compared to the pain of loosing you.
I'm in love with you...
Just wish I could say that to your face

Change...

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
- Maria Robinson

The fact is, in life, things will change and effect our life in a way we can never imagine.

Life never stops long enough for us to catch a break in this world, and will never stay the same forever.

Here is the deal though, for all you people out there, you just need to take what you get and make the best of it.

Life will never hit you easy and the thing is, there are things in life that don't seem fair. People change, people go, and people die. It's hard to understand but, things happen in life and there is no way to go back in time and change the past. You just can't.There is this one saying I heard and I can't remember who its by or the saying word for word it says something like... sometimes we watch the door close and we keep looking at it so long we don't notice when the other doors opening.

There are things in life that hurt us, knock us down, and kick us to the curb. And we sit here watching the past asking, "How could this happen? This doesn't make sense." We are hurt so bad it leaves us in shock, but we can't hold on and keep asking ourselves the same question and never move forward, Because it's true. When we wrap yourself into the change and the past we can't see the different doors and opportunities opening for us.

You don't have to let go of the past. Treasure your memorable memories and learn from the bad. Though life might knock you down, make you cry, or break your heart. Know that even though things are different...in time... you will adapt. It has been said A LOT but it's true. Change is apart of life and apart of everything, but in life...somehow it finds away to adapt to the change and make a new ending.

Our life is't set in stone...the reason is because anything and everything can change in a blink of an eye. Treasure what you have now...Cause it can be gone tomorrow.