I Want To Be Just Friends...

"I think it is best if we were just friends."

     That one sentence, spoken out of the mouth of someone you truly care about, is one that can ice every vein in your body, make your stomach drop, and crush every ounce of light you had just seconds prior. This, if you are a girl like myself, leads to nights crying yourself to sleep, being emotionally unstable, and then proceeding to hate yourself because you can't seem to put yourself back together and you feel like a baby.
     Every single question seems to cross your mind repeatedly of "What happened", "What did I do", "Is there someone else", or even "Am I not good enough". We hate ourselves, then the other person of interest, then hate the situation, then crumble to pieces. When in reality, all of those questions we consistently think about for days, weeks, even moths, actually are worse then it ends up being. The hardest part of  giving your heart to another person, is that there is a good chance without them meaning to, they will crush it in their hands, and you have no way to stop it.
     Recently I have had this gut wrenching line given to me, by a guy I never meant to fall hard for. The truth is that I knew, before we started started dating, things would never work right at that moment. We were two people, who, if everything were to fall into place, we had to be, at least for myself, at a different place in our lives. But I never took into an account that he, personality wise, was who he was. I never thought, or ever would of guessed, that just hanging out with him, would be so different. I didn't know, he would be... well him. I never meant to fall like I had, I never meant to feel what I felt, and I never meant to care as much as I cared. He was leaving, I was staying, and I am the only one to blame for letting myself create this emotional wreck.
      Although, since I have been told I think differently than most girls, and I just really care about people, tried to actually be his friend. See I am the type of person, who if someone tells me they just want to be friends, after I explode into an female break down, I will suck it up and actually try to be there for them as a friend. I still would listen, I would still care, and I would keep my emotions to myself and be the best friend I could be. The problem that lies here, is if the guy doesn't want anything to do with you, or really does actually like you and they are leaving, them saying lets just be friends means "I need my space". Whether or not its space because they can't stand you, or space to be able to do the things they need to do, while disconnecting themselves from something that will hold them back, means being there as a friend isn't what they actually want or need.
     I have no actual idea, if any of those two scenarios actually pertain to my situation, but it took a close friend, after I over reacted to something, to show me that if I really cared about the guy I need to give him that space. This meant, not texting him, not facebook messaging him, and most yet, no snap chatting him. Do I think there could be a potential next chapter in the future, I don't know and I just don't want to think about it right now honestly.
     The cold truth of it all is, that the line "I just want to be friends" really utterly sucks. It's that simple. I don't have any advice that can ever magically fix the situation or take away your pain. The best I can tell you is that every heart break, every bump you have to go through, gives you experience. That experience, makes it so that the next time this happens you, you are better equipped to handle it. If things are meant to be you'll find a way, but sometimes you just have to do what is right even if it may suck.

Don't Give Up Just Yet...

"Good things come to those who believe. Better things come to those who are patient and the best things come to those who don't give up."
`Unknown

     The thing I like about this quote, is that this can fit with so many different things we all go through everyday. For me, at least for now, is that there are things in this life that we have no idea of the outcome. There are just certain things we can't control, feelings we can't read, and futures we can't see. 
     The relationships that we all wish and dream for are not normally met or given to us freely. It is made up of a foundation of nerves, butterflies, and putting your heart on the line for something or someone that you know and pray is worth it. Worth the possible fail, the pain, the heartache that very well could meet you at the other end of that door. But sometimes when we know, deep down, this is different. That risk, the waiting, and the not giving up when at first it doesn't just fall in your lap, could indeed end up being, the greatest thing that happens to you in your life.
      If you have something, anything at all, any person who has made you forget where you were standing, or not notice any of the other people around you, someone who just fit, who made sense, I beg you don't give up quite yet if there are barriers in you way. Don't let go just because it's hard right now. Be patient, fake a smile if you have to, but don't loose the one person who could be the one  who can change your life in a way that no one else can. Yes...there is a chance they will still walk away, But personally, I could deal with that much better than looking back on my past and knowing I was the one who let go and walked away and lost something I've wanted more than anything before, because what if, what if it worked, what if they came back. I would much rather knowing I did everything I could, than to know that I might never know if I could of been that happy.
     Believe, be patient, and don't give up...at least not yet.

Lost Battle Ground...

     I've been at a loss of words lately. I am not sure how to act and how to feel about so many things. I am not a little kid anymore, yet I know I am far from being an adult. Recently I have found myself stuck in this middle ground, or no mans land. And quite honestly, I have no freaking Idea what to do.
     Life is a funny concept, right when you get your act together, that is when you noticed everything has changed beneath your nose and you had no clue. So you then proceed to quickly try to catch up with the world and the next thing you know you're even more lost.
     There is no doubt in my mind that eventually I will find myself, or at least enough to get through contently, but until then the only advice I can give you, is keep your head up, wish for the best and battle through.
      Be strong, for the world is a constant battle ground.

I Am Mormon And I Believe In Gay Rights...

     In complete and total honesty I do not want to drag religion into this blog, though I understand my title may have already done that already. My point is to say that people need to understand that society tends to stereotype certain people and Mormons tend to be one of them. Some say that we "Mormons" are completely and utterly against gays. You are wrong, and I am here to say uh hey...I'm not.
     First of all, I hate how people call them "Gays" they are people for crying out loud. We don't walk around the street talking in conversation saying, "Why oh yes we straights blah blah blah blah blah..." It would be absurd and plain right weird to do so. They are bleeding, breathing, living human beings who were born just like you or me. There is nothing wrong with them, they are just different than what society deems as normal. But how is that a bad thing. I'm not normal, ha, I am one of the weirdest individuals out of any of my friends that I know of, I think differently, I act differently, and It is perfectly okay.
     Now this is how I will tie religion into this, and I am sorry if this upsets any readers. God teaches us to love one another, God teaches us to care for one another, and most of all God teaches us not to judge one another. If it is not your life, then why should you care.
      Everyone has the right to live, act, and be the way that they choose. We were given free agency. Anyone and everyone has the right to either believe in god or not to believe in god. We all have the right to have sex now or wait till we are married (Sorry for my bluntness). People drink and people do drugs, do I wish that they didn't, of course I do especially if it's someone I deeply care about, but am I going to tell them they are all sinners and going to Hell, of course not that was there choice to do those things not mine. It is not my right or anyone elses right to judge how people decide to live their lives, because it is not my life, it is theirs. Now if their actions were to put anyone in harms way, that's a different story, but other than that, you nor I have any type of right to tell anyone how to chose to live their life.
     I was taught, and I believe, that god loves his children. He loves every single one of us for our good parts and our bad. I would never believe, for a second, he would ever turn his back on a child of god just because the place they found love in, is different then what it was in the past (If it is different). But my point is for any religious or non religious people out there who are focused on the scriptures "A marriage should be between a man and a woman" understand that there are more scriptures that states to not judge and love thy neighbor. You can't use one scripture as a basis of an argument while ignoring all the others.
     In short  religious or non religious "gays" are people who are just living their life. Whether you like it or not they are still people and have rights. Give it a rest and live your own life...in a good way of course.

Growing Up Sucks...

     I have finally come to a realization on the statement that parents and adults seemed to find a joy in saying, because they said it ALL THE TIME, "Enjoy being a kid while you can", why, Cause growing up sucks. I apologize for my word choice, but it's true. Paying for stuff, organizing time, working,  doing things you have to do but don't have time for, it's like my whole social life just went down the toilet and all I have is a picture that feels like it was ages ago.
     The first thing that caught my attention was taxes. Now I am only a part time employee in the food business and still going to high school, but taxes took $100 dollars out of a $400 dollar check...I hate taxes...now I know that I am not an full fledged adult and I still haven't seen the real gist of what and how taxes will actually effect me in the future, but I don't necessarily want to find out. For a senior in high school, working my butt off and still trying to deal with school, $100 is a lot of money. Taxes are important for government and state funding, and I know that they need to happen, but they still are a pain in my...rear.
      Like I mentioned before, my social life has disappeared. I still have friends I mean I'm not friendless. Although, my grandpa still thinks that I actually pay people to pretend to be my friends at family get togethers,  and it's sad because I am not sure if he is joking.... But see I go to school, then I go to the gym, then to work and then home to do my homework and sleep. I don't have time to go see my friends, and when I do I would rather put on baggy PJ's and just wrap myself in a fuzzy blanket and watch netflix relaxing at home. If they want to come join me, the more the merrier, but it takes a lot of effort to upkeep with a lot of friends and deal with their drama. It sounds horrible but think about it, either go hang out with high school teenagers, who are obsessing about their love lives and petty drama, that if you just look at it in a big spectrum usually deals with miscommunication and a drama queen, or you can sit at home, cozzy and with food, watching psych... I think I made my point.
        Honestly, I miss dealing with my friends drama. I miss playing multiple schools sports and hanging out with my friends every other weekend. I miss huge movie parties where we spent the whole movie quoting lines or laughing so hard I was basically bawling. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere and that I really mattered. But instead I work all day and then come home exhausted just to repeat. But thats life right...
     I know life will get better once I learn how to juggle everything and balance out my main concerns first, But when you are at that middle stage where you aren't a normal teenager anymore, but you aren't really an adult yet, it's hard. It's hard paying for bills, and paying for insurance and gas. It's hard having to work to get anywhere decent in life.
     But there is one thing I know...I know that if I work hard now and deal with the minimum rewards I will get in the short run, what I will receive in the long run it will be worth it.

Right?

Letting Go...

     I haven't posted in awhile because I find myself stuck at crossing paths in my life, and I can't seen to find the words to describe how or even what I am feeling. I stand here and I can see everyone growing up, changing, and becoming something of themselves. I watch this, I see everyone change and evolve into individuals that are and going on a completely sepparate path than mine, but I can't help but wonder is this what I want? Do I really want to grow up and leave my friend that changed my life behind? Do I want to lose grasp on the friendships that got me through the darkest times in my life? Do I want to let go...
     These questions run through my head every night. They come to mind when ever I open my Facebook or check my text messages. My friends are who made me who I am today. They were the reason I smiled so many times, and laughed so hard I cried on countless occasions. So how can I let them go, when everything good about me is because of them. My past is disappearing, not just my friends but the places I grew up or went to school, they have been torn down or changed.
      I have come to understand the statements adults have said, which was "Enjoy these days as a kid, because before long, they are just going to be memories you hold on to"
     I don't want to let go, and everyday I wish I could just rewind time for just one second to that, princess bride movie party, or laying on the trampoline with a bunch of my friends looking up at the stars, but I can't rewind time. I can't go back and relive those friendships that have faded into my past. I have to let go...that doesn't mean forget, but I have to let go to move forward in my life, because hopefully moments like that will happen again but not if I'm stuck in the past.


Don't let time slip away from you, take a hold of the moments you have right now, because one day they are just going to be a memory you can remember...

    

Broken Glass...

Have you ever heard the saying that sometimes when things are just so broken, you will hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together again, than just walking away?

     I think I have walked away so many times that I have built a wall so thick and so firm that I honestly don't know how to fall for someone anymore. Its like I repressed so much that it's almost as if flipped a switch in my head that keeps me from letting myself put myself out there unguarded.
     The problem with leaving things broken lying on the floor, unfinished and in pieces, is the fact you are leaving a part of yourself unmended. Yes, it might hurt more to try to fix things, but you can never fully get back to your normal state of mind, with unfinished emotions and business lurking somewhere in the back of your head. To have the ability to move on from your past, one must have the strength to deal with the pain of whatever is hiding in the shadows.

     If you don't...you will never get to where you want to be.
     Have the strength to deal with it, trust me, you will be glad you did.

  

One in a Million...

     Everyone, it seems like, is determined to one day find that one in a million, the one, that they will ride off into the sunset with in the end of the story. People act as if it's impossible to find this person, or that when they finally do find someone they connect with, are close with, and then that person is, poof, gone out of their life, they give up. They say "there was no one else out there for me" or "that was the one". That might be true that they did in fact find that "One in a million" but I feel like people are just so narrowly gazed at the situation, they don't contemplate the fact that there is over 7 Billion people in this world.  There is more than one, one in a million, out there just waiting for them to find them...don't give up. Yes, you might of lost one of them, but there are hundreds more.
   

Life Sucks...

Life Sucks...
 
      That one short sentence holds so much weight that just about every person can relate to. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot in life that is unconditionally amazing and breath taking, but...life sucks. To further the understanding of my statement is in retrospect of life, when life finally gets to the point where everything is working out and your heart and mind is almost walking on air, that is the point where in a short period of time, your life is going to come crashing down, someway-somehow.
       Just recently, my life was at the top notch level of existence. I finally was making my weight goals, (got my two pack heck ya!!), school was out for the year, and a guy that I had been so close to for years, who was my best friend, had recently got dumped by his girl friend and him and I started hanging out a great deal more than before. He acted in a way that he seemed like he was over the break up that I had been helping him through, and for the first time we stepped into a new level of our relationship, and it worked. For the first time in my life, a relationship with a guy came easy and felt right. I was at a state of bliss, I was happy, and everything was significantly falling into place. But that one thing, one thing I didn't prepare for, was that life always will throw a curve ball after a home run.
        His ex wanted him back , which of course he gladly went back with open arms, and I was left confused and hurt in a way I have never realized I ever could be. Let me add, I have been thrown a lot of crap at in my life, I am pretty tough, so the way I was hurt perplexed me. I proceeded to react, dare I say, in a very immature way making a colossus mess, and leaving one of my closest and most important friendships broken so immensely, that I fear will never be repaired.
      My story is not for the intention of sympathy, but for the idea of understanding the point I am trying to get across. We are humans with feelings, fragile beings persay. It is important to always be prepared for what ever may come our way. Though remember, life is not all bad, actually it is far from it. It's just that the worst moments in our life, though in broad view are little specs of importance in the whole picture, impact and engrave in our emotional memory that for us it comes naturally for the hurt and the pain to be the first thing we can remember or go back to.
        Will this weighted message I need to add like I've said before, "After every storm there is always a rainbow". I noticed something the other day when my friend sent me a double frownie face :(:( in a text message. I noticed that the more frownie faces their were, the more smiley faces that hide just between the lines. Life might hit rock bottom now and again, but things will eventually get better.
       Pain and grief isn't permanent...and it never will be.