I run to forget...

I am one who hates to run in general.
Don't get me wrong, I love to work out, and love to play sports. It is just that I am more of a swimmer and muscular type work out kind of gal then a cardio one.
I have found though... when I am in pain, stressed, or just trying to forget something that has been bothering me for sometime, No amount of work out in any area will help as much as running will.
I hate running...but I run to forget...and it works.

When I look back at you, even if I have let go on trying to hold on to the past, and I see how fast you moved on. Whether or not I still care, it hurts to realize that what I thought was something special back then in the moment, really wasn't. If it was, you wouldn't have already moved on so quickly. Doesn't mean you're a bad person, and I am happy for you at the same time, it's just I assumed something to be true when it wasn't.
I have to run... Running is the one thing that can get my mind off of the pain, off my mistakes ...off the memory of you.

To be honest I like you better as my friend...

The truth is...I don't like you anymore, I honestly don't.
I am so happy about who you are moving on to. Glad that she is sweet and cares about you and will never hurt you.
But even though this is true and it's in the past...it still kinda hurts whether I want it to or not.

So I run... I run to forget you...it works...at least for a little while...

I run to forget the pain...
I run to forget the stress...
I run to forget that this world is unfair to so many people...
I run so that later on I can be happy...

What would you say....

Now let me start off just saying I respect everyone's religion views and beliefs. When it comes to a person's life, they make their own decisions that are different form mine, because we are different people with different views and ideas. I respect that, so I ask you to respect mine as well.


Today I was thinking over different questions I have heard from different people in the past. One of those questions that still has stuck to me was, "If someone held you at gun point and said to deny your religion and beliefs, what would you say"?
Now of course everyone went silent. An adult, after what seemed like an eternity of silence, said, "Do it, because you are worth more alive then dead." Some people agreed which is understandable, but I couldn't help but say, " My beliefs are what create me. Denying my beliefs is denying myself and I would never do that, no matter the conditions. You don't let other people pressure you into changing who you are."
Call me thick headed or what ever you want, but what's the point of claiming you are your own person when you will let someone else manipulate you.
How I see it is...I am who I am and no one else can change that.
That one adult asked me a very simple question. "What use are you dead? You claim everyone has a plan...then why would you die instead of living it." Sharp come back huh...
But to me it was kinda simple..."I think everyone has a plan or a purpose here yes, but it can change everyday. We make choices that change our lives and change our future. Trust me when I say, I would much rather not be held at gun point...ever! But what I believe in is apart of me, of who I am, and giving it all up just because someone is threatening me, or trying to knock me down is like saying I don't have control of my life or my decisions. I am who I am, I believe in what I believe in...and am proud of it"
Now everyone went silent here. I don't know whether people agreed with me or thought I was insane. Either way, this was my own opinion.
What I am trying to get at I guess is...
You don't have to be at gun point (Which is insane and very dangerous) But don't let other people knock you down about you're beliefs, ideas, or who you are. Be proud of who you are. You are you... not them.

Stuck...

Life seems to sometimes stop and give me a break.
But then I feel stuck with no give or take
I get so lost in my own head
wondering at every turn if I'm miss lead
I know that im stuck looking in the past
so I ask myself when will I let go at last.
I know that I have made the damage that is done.
I have to face my mistakes and know I cant run.
I still look at you and ask what do you want me to do
how do you expect me to move on when I am still inlove with you

Call me crazy...

"It just takes time."
~Everyone you will ever meet.

That is the saying that everyone hates to hear, but is very true.
Life ,as I have repeated many times before, is very complicated in the eyes of both girls and guys. We all want to be on top, to be happy, and to live without a care or regret. But we all know very well, that it is just short of being impossible.
Things happen that knock us off our feet and make us act like a different person. We start to focus on the faults and we just loose focus on who we are. It happens, it's life.
We then have a choice... We either deal with our mistakes, or let them take over our life.
I don't know about you, but I would rather move on...cause it's better off.
I am not saying that I don't get sucked in, because I do.
I let a mistake or a hardship take over me and to be honest, during it I do not act like myself. I acted bi-polar when I really am not. Once I let it take over me I couldn't let go of whatever it was.
One day though, I woke up, but instead of over thinking things I made a choice. I decided to be myself, goof off, and just have a laugh. Why be so serious when there is no need to be? I found that just because I miss someone doesn't mean that I should let it effect me being me. I've done enough damage that it's time for me to just step back and let go...
Even if I miss someone, it doesn't mean they are gone forever...and sometimes its better to just let go then to try to get them back.

I don't know how many times I will have to learn this lesson, but hopefully one day it will stick...
Smile...it might just be a good day(:

How do you know....

How do you know when you are too late?
How do you know if he still likes you?
How do you know If you can get a second chance?
How do you know if its over?
How do you know...if he still loves you?
When you figure it out tell me...cause I don't know.

I am such an IDIOT...

Have you ever made a decision or choice that later on you come to find out it was a mistake, that it didn't have to happen that way?
Well I have...

The fact I have to remember is... that I made a choice that I can't go back and change. So really, I just have to live with it.
So here is what happened.
I really cared about this guy. (haha you know teen love kinda thing). He was amazing. He was one of those guys that are hard to find. He was caring, sweet, listened to me, made me laugh, and in short made me a lot happier then I have been in awhile. I had no Idea how I could deserve such a guy.
Here was the problem... we now go to different schools. When we couldn't talk, or he couldn't hang, he would beat himself up, because he felt like such a bad person when he wasn't.
I felt like because I was there, he was in pain. When we saw each other we were happy, but when we weren't... he was hurting. Then I thought to myself... We won't see each other much during school and if he is hurting now, then when school starts it will hurt him a lot more...
I cared to much for him to hurt that much.
Well here comes to the point where I realized I made a HUGE mistake!

I was thinking about the year, and was talking about my plans.
I was going to the freshman football games on fridays.
Going to all the band performances because I promised a friend I would.
All the freshman basketball home games.
All the snds.
I kept naming off all these things where I would see him, not on purpose, but I would see him. The truth is...I will see him more during this school year then I ever did this summer summer.
And it hit me...I made a huge mistake.
I lost a guy that I really cared about, who was amazing, and everything I could of asked for...and I lost him or a dumb move...good intentions, but dumb move...

I feel like an idiot, not going to lie.

And I can't ask for him back...
and he will never ask me out again because he thinks I wouldn't say yes or moved on...

Truth is, if he asked for me back I would say yes...
but the other truth is...he won't....

I have to live with the choices I made...the smart and the dumb...

To forget....

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
~Unknown

I've tried so many things to get you out of my mind. I have tried hard workouts, swimming, and running, and I know it ended without an end, but I have to remember why I did it. Seeing you do the exact thing I wanted...to move on... I don't know... It just hurts more then I thought.
The thing here is that to not get in the way. This was the thing I wanted. I wanted you to be happy, to move on, even if it hurt me. Now the only way to let this happen, is to try to forget you, to get you as far away from my mind as I can. Because I see you, hear you, and I get the picture of you falling for someone else and forgetting about how you use to look at me.
I want you to move on yet not at the same time. But to do that I can't care this much, not about you, not if I want you to move on so you can be happy...
I Need you out of my head...
Your in my head every day and every night...
This has to end... I have to get you out of my head, mind, and thought...for this to work... I want to have fun and be happy too. So for now I need to let you go... until later...
No matter how hard it is to forget... it's better then the pain it brings if I don't...

Today (just a thought)....

Today was by far a great and interesting day!
I woke up very early and went for an hour and a half run around the canyon. I was blasting my ipod in my ears because it tends to help me when my thoughts are messed up. Then when I got to the canyon and the sun was rising something just stuck to me.
Life can suck, can be a blast, and can have unexpected moments. But in the end life's still a beautiful thing.
You might have to say goodbye to someone you really care about, but you still have your friends, and you can still smile.
Life can rain on you when you are wishing for the sun. But hey, you can always dance in the rain instead.
I guess what I noticed was... We will always think the grass is greener on the other side, but we have some good looking grass right where we are right now. Enjoy it for now...

Just sometimes...

"We read the world wrong and say that it deceives us."
~Rabindranth Tagore

We all as human beings tend to look at all our hardships and feel like life and the world has ripped us off. At some things, we even curse at the sky asking, "Why, what did I do to deserve this."
The truth is we really are dealt with things that are not fair. We are forced to go through trials we really don't want to, and there are times where we really just don't get why things happen to us when we did npthing to deserve it.
Iv'e thought it, guessing you've thought it, it just happens and is normal to think that.
The thing is, we get so wrapped up on the fact that we have been wronged we dont realize the things that come out of it.
I will give an example:
(A lot of people can relate to)
My parents got divorced when I was at a young age. I was so mad because I thought it was my fault when I didn't do anything wrong. At first with my friends, I was so obsessed with how it wronged me I wouldn't let go. I was very upset.
Later on though, my mom remarried and her new husband had to younger sons that became my step syblings. I have fun with them, having family trips, game nights, and just having them around. I can see now that both my parents are happier this way, and that it was better off that way...
What I am trying to get at is, Bad things happen to everyone...but there is something that always comes out of it. That down the line you realize that you're almost glad it happened.
Some times you just have to take what you get and make the best out of it...cause this is life...you never know whats going to happen.

Come on, life is right now...

"Talk to me if you wanna share a laugh,
Hang with me if you just wanna have a good time,
But don't bring me down over something that small."
-Me

I am always here when someone needs a hand, someone to vent to, or a shoulder to cry on. But I have come to realize that, life's no fun when you hang on to the small stuff or let someone else's drama effect you.
So when you have a problem you need help, you can come to me. I am always here.
But here is the thing... there is a difference between a problem you need help with and picking a fight with me. I mean seriously, use common sense.
Life is about living it as much as you can and putting as much life into your years as humanly possible. Right? Then I just want to do that very same thing.
Come on, have some fun! Don't hang on to the small things, which by the way if you look closer, most of the time is nothing or just you misinterpreted something...
Life is so much better when you let everything go and just bring a little fun into your life...
I am here to be a friend...Just don't take me down when your in a foul mood with no reason...I can't help you when your taking me down as well.

"Smile please...life's just around the corner if you let the small stuff go and let a little life back in..."
-Me (: